I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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