Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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