Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
