pedialite and red bull = repair kit
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize