Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
