so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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