Your dad touched me again.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
