literally had 100 drinks last night.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
