Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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