Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
