i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
