Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
