I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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