I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
