Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
