I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
