i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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