I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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