Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
