I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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