I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
