i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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