I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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