i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
