So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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