I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
