By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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