So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
