I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize