I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
