my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
