The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You have to summon your inner elephant
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
