i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
