If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
