I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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