now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
