woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
