I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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