apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
