I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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