so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
