please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
