Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
