"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
