Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
