I've blown a few things in my day
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
