You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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