How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
wanna go halves on a baby?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
