i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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