you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
