he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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