Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
