A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
