she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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