So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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