I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
